“Being a male athlete, I think felt like I had to be big and macho and tough.
We’re taught to stuff things down and that sharing feelings is a sign of weakness.
I was almost ashamed of the things that I was going through and feeling.
I also felt like I was trapped and there was nobody that I could open up to.”
– Michael Phelps
Men who experience emotional and mental health struggles are, in general, less likely to ask for help than women. This reluctance to seek care can have significant consequences: negative impacts on work and school, relationship difficulties, feeling alone and isolated, worsening of symptoms, and even suicide. The stakes can be high. According to the CDC, in 2022 the male suicide rate was almost four times higher than that for females; “Males make up 50% of the population but nearly 80% of suicides.”
Men who avoid or delay getting help may turn to unhealthy coping strategies such as substance use, making things worse.
There are several theories as to why men may avoid seeking care. Stigma seems to be a major factor. Mental illness is already associated with many strong negative attitudes and misperceptions, but the stigma for men seems even worse.
Media portrayals of mental illness are especially distorted and troublesome. For men in particular, the depiction of mental illness is frequently associated with violence and crime. Men may internalize these stereotypes and fear being labelled as “crazy,” “psychotic,” or dangerous.
Western society tends to view certain traits as masculine, including strength, confidence, independence and toughness. Men may fear that if people find out that they are suffering from depression or anxiety or seeing a mental health professional, they will be seen as weak or helpless. They fear being judged as a burden or a failure instead of a “productive” wage earner. Men are often socialized to be (or appear) self-reliant as opposed to asking for help.
Therefore, for men, shame can be an especially powerful barrier to seeking care. They may feel embarrassed for feeling depressed, having panic attacks, struggling with an eating disorder or having suicidal thoughts. They may fear being ridiculed, losing social status, losing their job, or being kicked off the team. They may assume they would lose the respect of their spouse or other family members. The shame and secrecy leaves people feeling isolated and hopeless, suffering alone.
Another relevant factor is that men, traditionally, are often socialized not to share their emotions or show vulnerability. Boys tend to have few openly emotional male role models. They therefore may be less likely to learn how to recognize and describe different feelings, making it more difficult to identify that they are depressed or anxious. They may notice physical symptoms such as low energy, palpitations, loss of sex drive, or insomnia without making the connection to their psychological state or stressors. Men with mental health issues often present to a primary care provider for physical concerns.
Male sports culture has traditionally tended to emphasize a certain version of masculinity: don’t show pain; “play through”; “suck it up”; vulnerability is dangerous; and mask your feelings. Recently, several influential and revered male athletes have disclosed their mental health struggles and normalized help-seeking. In fact, they have worked to redefine asking for help as a strength, something to be proud of. Michael Phelps is a good example, sharing his experiences with depression and suicidal thoughts, how much courage it took for him to open up and to seek help, and how treatment saved his life.
NFL player Bobby Wagner articulated this well when openly discussing the emotional distress he experienced in 2023 when another player, Damar Hamlim, collapsed on the field in cardiac arrest after a tackle. “You have traumatic experiences; you have to find a way to deal with them. The best way to deal with them is expressing those feelings. The thing that we’re taught to do in this sport because it’s such a ‘manly sport’ is to hide your feelings, hide your emotions, and any expression of these feelings and emotions makes you less of a man. I think that’s a myth. Talking about your feelings, talking about things that affect you mentally, physically are more manly than anything because it takes a lot of courage to talk about those things.”
For males, peer support from other men can be an especially positive and effective way of coping with emotional struggles. Connecting with other men who have shared similar experiences of masculinity and social expectations can provide much-needed support and reassurance. These experiences can empower men to shift from feelings of shame and loneliness to hope, strength and self-efficacy.
In truth, disclosing and seeking help for psychological pain entails many of the qualities we traditionally associate with masculinity, including: courage, honesty, problem-solving, toughness, and perseverance. The stigma has it all wrong!
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org